Dead or Alive

When I close my eyes this memory is so distinct that it plays over in my head like it was yesterday. This is what my nightmares are made of. This is why I awake screaming most nights.

So after Shark made those threats against my family he became very, very irate because he knew that he had to control me somehow otherwise everybody would find out how much of a monster he was. My great, great uncle had recently broken his hip and been hospitalised in Brisbane about a 45 minute drive away from where Witch and Shark lived.

Parts of this story have just disappeared I can’t remember how long we had been driving for or how we get to this isolated dirt road all I know is it starts with me naked on the front seat of his single cab ute being forced to suck the dick of a 40 year old man while as an 8 year old. The next thing I remember is being curled up on the floor of the ute with his foot against the back of my neck to keep me held down. While I was down there, hiding from the car that was driving down, my eyes met a big machete that was hidden under the seat. My heart began to race and my face washed out but I knew I had to quickly pull myself together.

I thank my lucky stars each and every day that the car drove down that road at that exact point in time otherwise I believe that I would actually be dead right now because why on Earth would a concreter have a massive machete hidden under his seat for. The car spooked him so much that he pulled me up on to the seat and threw my clothes at me, mumbling to put them on as he put the car in gear and sped off. Thank the Lord that these people scared him so much that he didn’t even notice the ghostly colour that had washed over my body.

We didn’t go to the hospital. Instead we went to HJ’s where I went into the toilet and vomited. If you’ve ever experienced that feeling where you are in that much shock it feels like someone’s just kicked you fair in the gut then you can imagine why I vomited. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave myself my usual pep talk then stepped out of the cubicle.

On the drive back it started to pour down rain. I was so relieved that it was raining because I could look out the window and let tears roll down my cheeks without being noticed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Child Abuse

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I was 5. The same age my younger twin sisters are in this picture (I’m going to label them as pink and purple). A week prior to this incident my mum had left my dad, all I remember was the screaming. I was shut in the car in the early hours of the morning with nothing but my little sisters and my mum. We drove for hours from Mount Isa to Brisbane to live with my mum’s parents in their one bedroom apartment in the middle of Greenslope. My mum was a vegetable she couldn’t talk, could barely breathe and did not eat anything. She basically laid on the lounge hyperventilating from the continuous panic attacks she was having.

I’m just going to pause the story for a minute to share with you some facts:

  • Mum was now a 27 year old single parent of a 5 year old and two 3 year olds who had not worked a day since she was 20. She now had no income and had to somehow build a new life 24 hours away from where she called home.
  • When I referred to my mum’s parents I meant her biological mum, so my Nan (let’s call her Witch) and her step-dad, the person I called my Grandad (he can be Scar). My real grandfather committed suicide when my mum was 7 but I might talk about that a bit later.
  • The man in the photo is my dad, who is not rapist.

Okay so continuing on, as anyone would know when you are five the toilet seat has magic teeth that tend to nip your legs as you slide off. After getting pinched I cried out for mum to help me but of course she couldn’t move. So Scar came in to rub the back of my leg better and I guess I don’t really have to explain the rest. Little did my five year old self know that this would be the first of about 600 attacks.

I think looking back now one of the hardest parts for me to come to grips with is that for so many years growing up I thought it was normal. I thought it was normal for other people’s Sharks to show them that much attention and affection because that’s all I ever knew. I thought it was normal to be bought presents every afternoon and given lollies all the time.

Until.. he slammed the brakes on one day when it was just us two. I could tell he was hostile. I was in grade 5 at this point in time so about 9 or 10. He knew I had a sex ed parent night the following week so he obviously had to hide his tracks. He told me about all the guns he had in his shed and then he made threats towards my mothers life as well as mine and my siblings.

I think that’s enough  for this post because I’m starting to get a bit overwhelmed but I will continue on later down the track as there is a lot more to this.

I know this is a very extreme circumstance but please be careful with who you trust around young children. Whether it be a niece, a friends child, your young one or a sibling always try to keep an eye out on who is showing them a tremendous amount of attention, wanting to take them to the toilet all the time, disappearing for several hours, etc.  I know it can be very difficult to pick up when they are so close to you because you think you know them. My Mum thought she knew Shark too, he was basically her Dad since she was 12…

Much love xx

 

 

 

Just Because

Well if you’ve made it to this page you must be a little bit intrigued in what I have to offer in regards to my past and the knowledge I’ve gained from it, my present and the lessons I’m learning, as well as the goals I am setting for my future.

As cliché as this going to sound, all of the posts you see on sites such as Tumblr that put up pictures of size six women with the caption “Healthy Body, Health Mind” creating the link between the two, have never been more correct in my eyes. Except for me it was flipped. My link was an unhealthy mind which rapidly influenced an unhealthy body.

I just wanted to share a bit about my story; why my mind so unhealthy at such a young age and the impacts it had on my physical health, with weight gain being one of the biggest  factors. I want to share with you my journey to achieving that “Healthy Body, Healthy Mind” ratio. And trust me when I say I am still at the beginning but I think I have a hell of a lot to share on the topic and I hope that my blog will help at least someone who has gone through the same or similar things I have.

There are going to be some very unpleasant things talked about in my posts however I am not sharing these stories for sympathy, I am actually hoping that someone can learn the lessons I have without going through it all. So here is my TRIGGER warning my posts will contain a pretty explicit story of how I was raped for 9 years. My posts will talk about suicide, depression and different types of abuse I have been surrounded by (child, alcohol, drug and domestic).

I apologise from the bottom of my heart if the content I post makes anyone feel uncomfortable. However I pinky promise that these negative posts will only be posted if there is a moral to the story & for every negative there will be twice as many positives!

So I guess what my blog is really about is fly kicking the f*ck out of mental health issues, creating awareness about predators and improving body confidence.

Much love xx